What we're getting wrong about the whole "fun mom" thing

It's not your job to be the "magic maker for your kids." It's your job to be the magic maker for YOU.

I’m very much not trying to brag, but I do have a knack (or maybe we should call it a hobby, really) for alchemizing the boring, mundane little things into fun, magical, joyful little moments. (Or perhaps we should call it a byproduct of ADHD–I will do anything to avoid being bored. 😆)

I think this is both a quality I was born with and also something I’ve fine-tuned over the course of my life. This looks like asking myself, in the tougher “blah” moments– “Where can I find, or make, just a teeny bit of magic to shift, elevate, or turn this moment around?”

This mindset has really impacted my life more than I can put into words, so it’s something I try to actively model for June, too, in hopes that I can pass this along to her.

This could look like lighting candles for dinner even if we’re eating takeout. Or making a point to stop and really take in the sunset and discuss how beautiful it is on our evening walk. (Even though I’m exhausted! 😴)

I posted about this on instagram recently, and I got a comment that said, “This is something I want to work on. I want to create magic, but the effort it takes to engineer it sometimes makes the chopping block for my own sanity. Gotta put some thought into how to better weave in lower effort magic!”

(Wow, haven’t we all been here!?)

Something about this comment really made me pause though–not because of the comment itself, but because of the assumption running underneath it:

That joy requires effort. Beauty is another responsibility to manage. Magic is something that we manufacture as an experience for our children.

I have been seeing a lot of chatter recently about the pressure mothers are feeling to “be the fun mom” and to give their kids a “90’s summer.”

“Oh FFS,” you might be thinking. “Who has the energy?! ANOTHER thing I should be doing! MORE pressure to add on top of the burning world that already rests on my shoulders?!'"

Putting two and two together–I get where this comes from and why so many are feeling this way.

Because I think we’ve gotten so used to viewing joy and fun through the lens of labor that we a. have lost touch with our own authentic joy and b. struggle to recognize it when another woman is simply living out what authentically lights her up.

This is why I can talk about lighting candles for dinner because I simply love candles, and another mother can see this and think, “ugh–another thing to add to the list!?”

It’s why I can see a random reel pop up on my feed of a mother who goes all out hand making birthday party decorations for her two year old (because she’s crafty and it’s what she loves to do!) and I can get a little triggered thinking, “who the hell has the time to do this!? The kid is too young to even care!! This is so out of touch with reality!”

It’s why we put SO much pressure on ourselves to “be the fun mom” that, inadvertently–it turns us into the least fun mom. 😆

So, I’d like to set the record straight:

The definition of fun mom: A MOM WHO IS HAVING FUN.

The definition is not: A Mom who creates fun (but secretly draining) experiences for her children.

It’s the difference between performing fun and embodying it:

It’s the difference between the mom who says fuck it and jumps in the pool in her clothes (her signature move in college) prompting everyone to follow suit for a game of fully clothed, impromptu Marco Polo.

And the exhausted mom who starts spiraling that she spent so long curating a summer craft experience that the kids took one look at and then asked to watch TV 2 minutes later–and she's left wondering, “I work so hard to make magic for them and when I do, nobody ever cares.”

The good news and the bad news–depending on how you look at it: we carry the vibe of our household.

Whatever energy we are in is what we spread to the rest of our family.

The only way to create a high family vibe is to operate in that frequency. And the only way to do that? Being unapologetically connected to ourselves and our own joy.

“But what if I’ve just never been ‘the fun girl’ or ‘fun’ anything?!”

I hear you! I want to address this because “the fun mom” isn’t exactly the first term I would use to describe my own mother either. 😆 Yet, she gave me such a magical, fun, enjoyable childhood.

How?

Because she authentically lived out her own values in her life and in how she parented. The result? She was a mom who was enjoying herself.

She just did what was true for her, which was often simply stepping back, letting me do my thing. Letting us inject our own fun where we wanted to. She would either partake or most often, just watch us and think it was great entertainment.

She did not hand make me anything, she did not surprise decorate the house on my birthday, she did not throw me elaborate birthday parties, make me fancy care packages or plan family movie nights. The only time I recall ever going to a pool was for swimming lessons. And she certainly did NOT make a “summer bucket list.”

There was no over scheduling, no people pleasing, no pressure. She let me be me, and she let her be her.

She showed me that fun is a byproduct of authenticity. Not by living some else’s definition of the “fun mom”–but simply by being herself.

Some questions to ask yourself to bring out your authentic fun mom (and have a hell of a lot more fun in life in general!)

• What would this look like if it were fun or enjoyable (for me)?

• What did I absolutely love as a kid? What parts of my own childhood can I bring back for my kids, that I would thoroughly enjoy, and know they would too?

• What little things do I love now, or have loved before motherhood (when I had time) that I could weave back into our lives now, even in the tiniest, smallest way?

• Where can I introduce some novelty in our routine in small ways that would give me energy rather than drain me?

• Where did a previous version of me go with the flow and let loose where the current version holds on too tightly? How would it feel to embody her in some of my decision making?

And speaking of my mom, she’s been in town visiting since last week, and today is her last day! So I’m signing off to go squeeze in some final hours of quality time. 💛

I hope you have a wonderful rest of your week!

Love,

Jess

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