50 reader confessions that will reassure you that nobody has their shit together.
Like...really.
No time to read!? Listen to the audio version that I recorded of this post above! 😉 (Do you like these audio versions? Would love to know!)
HAPPY WEEKEND!!!
Okay so, fun fact: I’m pretty sure statistically speaking, the weekends are like the worst days to send emails (I guess less people open them because they’re out of the office or just half paying attention) so I probably shouldn’t make a habit of doing this–BUT I have just been SO excited to see so many of you subscribing to my Substack that I wanted to get this FIRST OFFICIAL “Hot Mess Aunties” newsletter out ASAP! 🥺
(Why Hot Mess Aunties? Well, first of all, you’re June’s aunties! Second, we’re all hot messes in one way or another, and we own it, and we embrace it, because we celebrate the fact that we are humans and that we’re all just doing our best–right!?)
Anyway–welcome to OUR NEW CLUB! ♥️
I don’t know about you, but with all the election tension, and, you know, just the craziness of LIFE–I could use a laugh.
Yes? You too?
Keep reading!
This accidental front cam selfie from this morning seemed like an appropriate photo to accompany today’s newsletter. 🥴 WHY.
A few weeks ago I shared a confession that my brain has been so scrambled that I spent the last three days brushing my teeth with a dead electric toothbrush because I continually could not manage or remember to put it on the charger that is SIX INCHES (Truly, I am not kidding) away from the toothbrush itself.
Just in case you needed to feel better about your life. (Turns out, you did.)
This sparked a conversation where I asked anyone who felt compelled to share the ridiculous shit you’ve done lately–turns out WE’RE ALL LIKE THIS and it proved to be both extremely cathartic and giggle-inducing for everyone. 😂
I shared a handful of my favorites on Instagram stories, but they were all so good, I thought for our first inaugural HOT MESS AUNTIES newsletter, I would highlight them all!!
Here are some favorites (and a much more extensive list than I shared on Instagram!) …along with my commentary.
“My clean clothes in the dryer are on their 6th *refresh* cycle because I refuse to fold them.” (#1 most popular response 😂)
“Writing thank you notes but leaving them on the counter, never to be mailed”
“I went to put my seatbelt on…in the pedicure chair”
“I’m single. I take all my clean clothes out of the laundry and throw them in my closet like confetti.” (This reader is my hero.)
“Buying a new Quip toothbrush on Amazon because I need to update my card for the subscription and it’s too much effort”
“There are still packages on my front porch waiting to be opened”
“Never replaced the batteries in the smoke detector, which may have been dead pre-covid”
“One of our spoons has crusty avocado on it and it won’t get clean in the dishwasher. Instead of scrubbing it, I just keep putting it back in the dishwasher to save that problem for another day.” (I shared this one and got approximately 25 responses saying you all do the same so apparently we all have an avocado spoon. 👀)
“Light switch broke and instead of fixing it we just plugged a lamp in around the corner and pulled it into my office”
“We were all excited for pizza tonight. I placed the order…oh wait. I never hit confirm. 😩”
“Have a two week old so sleep deprivation is real. Put him to sleep without a diaper on last night.” (If it makes you feel better, I forget to put a Pull-Up on June at night so often that she told Neal, “mommy always forgets” 💀)
“Instead of recharging the Sonicare, I’ve resorted to using my free toothbrush from the dentist.” AT LEAST YOU MADE IT TO THE DENTIST
“I drove to 3 separate wrong clinics because I didn’t just look up where my kid’s Dr. appt was!”
“When all the mugs are clean they don’t all fit in the cupboard. So some just keep getting washed in the dishwasher.” 💀
“Thrown out Tupperware with food in it just so I don’t have to wash it” OK I would consider this just normal everyday behavior, are there people out there who don’t do this? 😂
“Once ran out of TP when I had guests over. Had to sprint to CVS mid wine night.” (In my twenties, my roommates and I lived above a bar, and when we would run out of TP, we used to steal rolls from the bar bathroom and smuggle them upstairs to our apartment ALL. THE. TIME. It’s ok. The Four Farthings owner loved us.)
“I get a lot of parking tickets for failing to move my car. My son said “mom gets these a lot” and tried to bring it to preK for show and tell.”
“My water bottle lid got moldy. Instead of washing it, I just took it off. Now I just spill it everywhere constantly.”
“I missed JURY DUTY and didn’t realize it for three weeks!”
“10 years ago I lost my travel toothbrush and I’ve been using my husbands when we go on vacation” I’M SCREAMING 😂
“Bedroom light burned out 2+ years ago. Gave up trying to fix it.”
“Just put an empty box of uncrustables back in the freezer at work and got called out.” This is something I would secretly do and also I want a job where they supply community uncrustables.
“The garbage under the sink was overflowing but instead of taking it out I just kept playing garbage jenga for two weeks.” I too, have been playing garbage Jenga my entire life!
“I hate the dryer sheet that fell on the hallway floor. But I will NOT pick up that dryer sheet!”
“2 weeks ago the handle broke off my circle 2004 hairbrush and I’m still using it.”
“Avoided canceling auto ship until it was too late and now I have 3 giant boxes of cat food to return.” Why does the fact that it’s cat food make it so much funnier? 😭
“I’ve lived in the same apartment for two years and never called the super to turn the gas on to my stove.”
“The stray pacificier that is EASILY reachable under the crib haunts me when I sit in the rocker.”
“Bought a new TP holder because I couldn’t be bothered to install the replacement I already had.”
“My travel toiletry bag has been sitting on my counter for two months. Just living out of it instead of cleaning it up.”
“One of my socks lost its match. I just keep putting it back in the washing machine hoping one day it will find its match.” This was a very popular response and I respect it immensely. 😂
“I put old onesies in the car to donate them and instead I’ve been using them to clean up messes bc toddlers.” If this isn’t sustainable IDK what is!!!
“I have run out of money on my Ventra card (public transit) card and instead of reloading it, I just pay $5 a ride.” LIKE WITH CASH?! WHERE DO YOU GET CASH!?
“Meant to pour sparkling water into a glass, but instead poured it into a jar of salsa.”
“The pile of crusty food under the toddler tower is growing because I don’t want to clean it.” (I would categorize this as just normal behavior, but I’ll allow it on this list because it was a very popular submission.)
“Not doing my laundry and having to wear my least favorite [old and uncomfortable] underwear every day.” Another reader added, “There’s nothing worse than when old thong week coincides with period week. The double whammy for mental health.” I AM CRYING LAUGHING.
“Been carrying press-ons in my bag all week and I still have bare fingers.”
“My car key fob has been out of batteries for 6 months. I just switched to using the spare key.” Also something I personally would consider normal hahahaha
“I slept on the couch for two nights because I washed my sheets and felt too overwhelmed to remake my bed.”
“I lost my wallet for 6 weeks and almost had to cancel my vacation, but it was just in my car.” (This reminds me of the time my friend borrowed my car to drive to Indianapolis and lost my car keys there. She had to pay to tow it home to Chicago. 💀)
“I accidentally put milk in the cabinet instead of the fridge.”
“I put the wedge of parm back in the silverware drawer”
“Clean laundry is never folded. I just take clothes I need out of the clean hamper until they’re gone. Repeat. Forever.”
“I just keep refilling my water bottle and never cleaning it. 😬” Do people actually clean water bottles? 🤪
“Shuffling all the clutter into one room and closing the door because I cannot deal.”
“I lost all my forks so I serve guests with only spoons.”
“Kids lemonade was molding in my bathroom for a week. I finally just threw it out the window. 🤪” Just envisioning an entire moldy cup full of lemonade being chucked out of a top floor window turned my entire day around yesterday.
We have had a closet door without a handle for a couple of years. It drifts open without the handle. Instead of replacing it, we’ve got the baby Lovevery puzzle wedge at the bottom to keep it closed. My mom was over once and was like, “huh! That works pretty well!” You know what works better Mom? A freaking door handle!!”
I travel for work. On Tuesday, I had my Uber take me to the wrong airport for my flight, even though I checked before ordering. I didn’t realize until trying to go through security and the TSA agent said, “that gate does not exist here.” These are the reasons I leave early for flights. I made it just in time to the other airport. I had checked the wrong itinerary for a different week.”
I hope these made you laugh, and also served as a reminder that NOBODY HAS IT ALL TOGETHER AND IT WOULD BE WEIRD IF YOU DID!!!
(Also sharing these two responses I got because they really sum up this community and what it’s all about 😂)
Finally, I’ll leave you with a couple things I’m loving right now, to send you into your weekend:
Listening to: Hit or Miss Radio on Spotify. (I made this into a playlist because apparently everyone’s “radios” are different!) This is one of my favorite ways to find new music vs. just searching for random playlists–just go to a song you’re loving on Spotify and hit “go to radio.
Neal actually discovered this one–he created a radio on the song “Hit or Miss” by Odetta (which is such a good song!) in London and we were listening to this getting ready every night!
Also the song “Spooky” on the playlist is like the best October song EVER. I play it on my bike when biking home from school drop-off. 😂 It’s the perfect background song for the gorgeous red and yellow and orange trees lining the streets and houses that are fully decked out for Halloween!
Cooking: I just made this recipe for corn chowder and I stumbled upon this website from google–had never heard of it before, but I was wanting a lighter recipe (one without heavy cream–this one uses cream cheese and greek yogurt instead. I also added a little bit more milk to thin it out a bit, even though it doesn’t call for it) and Neal said this might be the best thing I’ve EVER cooked. 🤯 (FYI I actually used a bag of frozen corn because RIP to fresh corn this season. And it was still THAT good!)
Wearing: My $41 Faux Ugg Tasman slippers. I got these over a year ago and now that the weather is getting chilly again they are bringing me immense joy. While I was a bit confused as to whether these were supposed to fit like mini booties or slip-on clogs, they’re definitely more like slip-on clogs (I.E. the backs aren’t tall enough to keep your foot IN if you know what I mean) once I got over that, I never looked back.
I love them and I’m unclear as to how these could possibly be different than the real thing and they’re a fraction of the price. (They’re $41 right now, they will 1000% jack the price up in a few weeks when everyone starts buying slippers again so get them ASAP–I’m also sharing them here before I share them on Instagram to give you a head start 😉 I found them TTS!)
A note on holiday cards: Remember if you’re ordering holiday cards this year, Minted gave me my discount code extra early and it’s live now through December! (No need to stress/rush, you have time!!) Code JESSHOLIDAY24 gets you 20% off Minted holiday cards (and I believe it includes free shipping too!)
Reading: I just finished the Briar Club by Kate Quinn and it was absolutely DELIGHTFUL. If you’ve read other Kate Quinn books (The Alice Network first and foremost, one of my favorite books–also The Rose Code and The Diamond Eye were also great) this is a bit different than her other books. Yes, it’s still historical fiction and incredible female characters, mystery, and murder– but it’s more lighthearted.
For those who love historical fiction books but just can’t take the heaviness that inevitably comes with them–you’ll love this. The Briar Club is set in a boarding house in Washington DC in the heat of the McCarthy Era, and follows each of the female borders who live there, how they form unlikely friendships and bonds, with plenty of juicy plot twists!
I hope you have an absolutely wonderful weekend! What fun things do you have planned?
xoxox
Jess
You have given the people such a gift! Thank you for compiling such a funny, entertaining, and relatable list! Loved it!
My Ugg slippers are fuzzy & black. I often mistake them for my fat black cat. I will admit that several times I tried to call them up on the sofa to sit with me. In my defense, I was recovering from surgery & was taking painkillers