4 lessons I learned in my fourth year of motherhood + and how it has been my most transformative yet

June turned four this week 🥺 Here are the most impactful things I learned the past year about parenting a three year old. What worked, what didn't, plus, real talk about what I'm still working on.

**Updated edit: Remember when I couldn’t do math and said “my third year of motherhood” even though it had been my fourth? (Forgot to count the year from 0-1 😆) Anyway, the title has been updated. Thank you for those who pointed this out and for being here for my writing and not my math skills!!! If this isn’t the definition of “mom brain” IDK what is!!

Our girl turned FOUR this week. 😭

Four feels like such a big number, especially because she was only born yesterday!?

She is officially, 100% a kid. Not even a toddler anymore–a full blown KID.

And she’s raising us as much as we’re raising her.

This past year has been full of so many lessons, and I wanted to reflect on a few of them today, in case they help you too. ♥️

I say this every year, but year three was my favorite year yet, and it just keeps getting better. It was, in some ways, however, our most challenging year–we had the highest highs and the lowest lows (because, *three*) but I also learned and grew SO much as a parent, and I’m really proud of that.

I feel like I “came into my own” so to speak as a mother in a lot of ways. Year three taught me that parenting is a very creative endeavor. 😂 It taught me so much about myself, about the power of mindset, about getting out of my own way.

Here are some of the most impactful lessons I learned this past year. If you’re a fellow mom in the trenches, I really hope they can help you too!

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Lesson #1: Play/silliness=the best way to tackle 99% of toddler issues:

Let me tell you, it took me a long time to learn how crucial this really is, and it’s even harder to master in the heat of the moment (and this is still something i’m working on) but there is NOTHING that works like play and silliness to end whining, tantrums, crying, a bad mood, stubbornness, a power struggle, picky eating, you name it.

Often, what that looks like is having the wherewithal to be able to take a beat, calm myself down, and summon the energy to react in a playful way instead of snapping or yelling.

It’s not an easy thing to do, but after three years of seeing how raising my voice or letting my overstimulation get the best of me does NOT work, I’ve realized not only is this shooting myself in the foot, but it can also be damaging to our relationship.

Honestly? This is a muscle. It is a PRACTICE. If it sounds like a MASSIVE hassle to be making up games and silly things 24/7–you’re right, it is. 😂

BUT–it gets easier. One trick is to just pretend you took an edible and come up with the craziest shit you can think of, and I guarantee it’ll be a hit!

I also promise you, it’s significantly easier than dealing with the amount of meltdowns you’ll deal with if you continue yelling, snapping, and punishing.

I’m not saying this works EVERY time–of course it doesn’t. Sometimes they are too far gone (tired, hungry, overstimulated, etc). But I will say the vast majority of the time, it’s magic.

Here are a few of my go-to’s:

• For whining: Get down on their level and make a BIG EYES face (like you’re surprised) and say “OHHH MY GOSH. WAIT. OPEN YOUR MOUTH–I THINK I SEE SOME WHINES!!! OMGGGG THERE THEY ARE!!! I GOTTA TICKLE THEM OUT!!” or June’s favorite “THROW the whines out” (and throw her on the bed into the pillows–this is a great sensory activity too). After every throw look into their mouth– “Are they gone yet!? Ohhh boy I still see sooo many in there!!” She LOVES it and it’s a total reset for us both. (She will even come up and say “I think there are whines in my mouth!!” even when she isn’t whiney because she loves this so much. 😂)

• For not listening: “June!? Bark like a dog if you can hear me!!!”

• To get them to take a bite of what’s on their plate: Note: this one is ever changing 😂 But here are a few favorites:

  • Fuel up the car: Have them run around the kitchen like a race car and they have to pull in to “get more gas” AKA take a bite of food

  • Alligator chomp: I sing a made up song that says, “Alligator, alligator DON’T YOU EAT THIS!!”

  • Turn into the Queen: I pretend that a bite of something gives me a fancy British royal accent

• Bedtime routine: Mommy or daddy monster are trying to get them as they’re getting ready for bed. They have to brush their teeth or daddy monster will get them–they have to hurry and get PJ’s on fast or Mommy Monster will get them, etc.

• Power struggle getting dressed: “Okay! Arms up! I gotta put your pants over your head! WAIT–does it not go like this!?” or when she was younger we used to have her go down her play slide in the living room INTO her clothes. 😂 Sometimes we will also race each other to see who can get dressed faster in the morning.

• Brushing teeth: June for the longest time HATED brushing teeth (still not a big fan) but she will often cooperate if I pretend to see Nemo (yes, the fish) inside her mouth. “NEMO! ARE YOU IN THERE!?” I have to brush him out every time. (Remember the advice I gave you about pretending you took an edible? 🤷🏻‍♀️)

• Constantly asking for snacks: Yesterday June saw a bunch of “special” snacks we bought for a party this weekend. She whined and whined asking me to open them. PLEASEEEE MOMMY I WANT THE PARTY SNACKS NOWWWWWW!! And at first I ignored her, which didn’t work, and then the tears started. I was so tempted to say, “ENOUGH. I don’t want to hear any more whining!!” but I didn’t, because I knew THAT would launch her into full meltdown mode.
  
  Instead, I crouched down on her level, and said quietly, “Do you really want to know why we can’t eat them now? (Wait for her to say yes, so I know she’s hearing me.) If we eat these now, all our friends will say….(goofy and loudly) “HEY! WHY ARE THERE NO SNACKS IN THIS HOUSE!?!? I thought this was a PARTY!? Who ate all the snacks?!? What are we going to dooooooo!!! I never want to come over here againnnnn!” and acted super silly and dramatic, tickling her. Then she started laughing and cracked her whining facade, and I asked her to help me with something else, and she stopped bothering me about the snacks after that.

• Race the timer: We use the app “visual countdown timer” and it turns everything into a game. It’s also helpful if there’s a fun payoff if you beat the timer. You get an extra book, you’ll play a game, mommy will do something funny that you get to pick, etc.

Lesson #2: Boundaries and enforcing the boundaries kindly, but consistently, are really important:

Weirdly, I think I used to be really good at this, but somewhere along the way, we got way more lax with our boundaries, and it created a lotttt of tantrums and power struggles. I didn't even realize what had happened until my mom came to visit and pointed it out.

I'll use snacks as an example because I think so many parents struggle with this (and it's been a BIG point of contention for us).

"Snacks" (i.e. "packaged" snacks—packets of cheddar bunnies, applesauce pouches, etc., not real food snacks like apple and peanut butter or cheese and crackers) used to be ONLY for outside the house. They were for special times: at the park, on a plane, on the ride home from school, etc.

But somewhere along the way, we got lazy, and I think part of me always struggles because I want to be a "yes" parent–and it's often really hard to decipher in the moment whether to "hold a boundary" or "make an exception" because you want to be a fun parent. You want to give them autonomy. This resulted in us saying "yes" sometimes, but no other times.

To her, there was no rhyme or reason to when we would say yes or no. It was confusing and it felt authoritarian. Why? Because I said so? That doesn't fly with a spicy kid, nor do I want her to ever just accept that mentality in her life!

So, as you can imagine, there ended up being a LOT of tantrums over snacks, incessant asking for them which was SUPER annoying, etc.

We would not want to fight her so we'd give in and give her a pouch right before dinner because "she was starving" and of course, it's easy–but then she wouldn't want to eat her dinner, and then she'd be hungry later and want MORE snacks, etc. It was a vicious cycle.

Now we've tightened our boundaries again and enforced them consistently. "I hear that you're hungry! Dinner is over. You can have a pouch for snack after school tomorrow. Why don't you put it right there on the counter so I remember to bring it for you? If you're hungry now, I'm happy to cut you some apple slices with peanut butter. You don't want apple slices? No problem! Good job listening to your body. You don't have to eat any. It's up to you!"

Did it go over well the first couple of times? Of course not. But after the first few times the boundary was upheld–she stopped asking.

Referencing the above point, the other thing that helps is when I hold the boundary but in a silly way.

Like, "You want ANOTHER APPLESAUCE POUCH!? I think if you had any more you would turn into applesauce! And I would miss you SOOOO MUCH! I don't want to be a mommy to APPLESAUCE, I want JUNIE!!" And then I would tickle and kiss her and make her laugh, which both diffuses the situation and also fills her connection cup. (Can you tell we've had a lot of meltdowns over applesauce? 😂)

There is a clear time and place for snacks and a limit on them, because we want to fill our bodies up with REAL food that will help our bodies grow and get stronger!

There are now SIGNIFICANTLY fewer tantrums over snacks, and I'm not sure if this is related, but she's a lot more adventurous with the foods she eats and is willing to try. (Sometimes. Other times, she'll eat nothing but the carbs on her plate. We'll still take it!)

Lesson #3: You cannot give them more autonomy without relinquishing control!

(Did that one hit you a little close to home, too? 👀)

But, while we're on the topic of boundaries, I think the "strict boundaries" vs "giving autonomy" can be such a hard balance because in the moment you're like, "should I say yes to give her autonomy or no because it's a boundary!?" So I think thinking through (and getting on the same page as your partner) what is and isn't a boundary or a non-negotiable (and not having TOO many–what is necessary REALLY?) ahead of time is really important.

That being said–giving her as much autonomy as possible within our boundaries is key.

Mainly, I have stopped giving a shit about what she wears. Getting dressed has always been our biggest battle and my relinquishing control over this has made a big difference.

It's okay if she goes to school in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt in 90 degrees. (She has a cooler change of clothes in her cubby–but she has told me that long pants and sleeves make her feel safe, which I want to respect.) It's okay if she goes to school in her pajamas. It's okay if she goes to school in her Spiderman costume. She's getting dressed on her own and she's proud of it and she wants to wear what SHE wants to wear, and that's what matters!

Tying into this idea–allowing her (and encouraging her) to do as much as she can HERSELF. I have seen this in real time and how much it impacts her confidence and self-esteem.

This might mean budgeting extra time to get ready in the morning so she can get dressed by herself.

It means relinquishing control of a LOT of things. (Funny, I have always been the complete opposite of a control freak, but clearly I feel the need to control more than I thought I did!! Kids really are a mirror in that they make it CLEAR the areas in which you need to improve!)

It's letting her crack the eggs for breakfast. It means taking the time to teach her how to beat eggs the right way, how to hold the bowl so it doesn't spill–essentially saying "yes" anytime she asks to help with something. Taking the time to stop and think, "know what? I think you're big enough to learn how to pour your own milk today!" and not worry about spilling.

(More on giving more responsibilities below!)

Which alllll ladders up to my final point...

Lesson #4: Parenting is way more about you than it is about your kid:

I've written about this before (and honestly, it's part of why I am not ready for a second baby yet! I’m still working hard on this!) but I really can't stress this enough. This is one of the things that surprised me most about parenting!

Being a great parent actually has VERY little to do with them. It has everything to do with YOU. And that has become increasingly clear as June gets older.

I think in general, we tend to think "good parenting" is mostly "reactive." And by that I mean, how you respond to certain things, how you "discipline"–do you "let the kid get away with that" or do you "permit bad behavior," etc.

But over the past year, it's become SO incredibly clear to me that the BEST (and hardest!) parenting work is PROactive.

It's all the work you're doing on yourself (learning how to regulate *yourself* and learning your own triggers, therapy, etc) so you can show up with calm, empathy, understanding.

It's realizing that parenting has a way of showing you the areas you still need to work on as a person and getting curious about it. For me, that's keeping myself grounded in the heat of the moment so I can be supportive when she’s spiraling, instead of us BOTH spiraling and adding fuel to the fire!

Speaking of control, clearly CONTROL is another area I need to work on! The tension between wanting June to do what I want her to do while simultaneously wanting to nurture that independence, confidence, and individuality can be really challenging to navigate. But by being more present and intentional in the moment, I can see the bigger picture and think "meh, that's not a battle I need to pick. She *needs* to be able to do this her way!"

It's doing that self-reflective work so you can summon the strength (and it's literally so much strength, don't let anyone convince you otherwise) to care about the seemingly meaningless little thing that sent them into a tailspin for the 5th time today, and make them feel understood, heard, and loved instead of ashamed.

So you can be calm in the moment and reframe your frustration into, "wow, she's had a really long day. She's tired. She had to hold a lot in at school all day. She probably needs a snack. And some one-on-one time with me–ugh, I've been on my phone, I need to put it away. It's so hard to be a little kid." Instead of screaming, "WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS!?"

So you know how to go out of your way to fill their cup, make them feel loved, give them what they need, make them feel connected, seen, heard, and appreciated for exactly who they are. (And I learned that when you do this, you have so much fewer tantrums to deal with in general.)

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And a little extra bonus for paid subscribers…

Continuing this conversation, as a perk for paid subscribers, I wanted to share some things I think we've actually gotten good at this year as parents (that I’m proud of + things that might help you too!)

Also, getting real about the areas we’re working on improving this year as parents.

I'll get into some example scripts that have actually worked during tantrums (and hitting!), share how we’ve gotten to a place of enjoying restaurants together without screens, and also sharing the most helpful parenting course I have ever taken. (No, it’s not Dr. Becky’s.)

Things I’m proud of that we’ve done well:

We’ve figured out how to respond/address unwanted behavior (like hitting, demanding/screaming) and tantrums in a respectful way that actually works:

If I had a nickel for how many times I have sternly said “WE DO NOT HIT!” in the middle of a meltdown over the past few years, I would be rich. But guess how many times it’s worked? NONE. 😂

But I have gotten smarter.